THOSE WHO CAN'T.

[Editor's note: Jeremy's been away for a while, so if you'd like to reacquaint yourself, you can find his old columns here.]

LEBANON, MISSOURI, USA
Listening to: Blake Babies, God Bless the Blake Babies

Look, I'm just going to get this out of the way: I fucking hate The Apprentice. I've never met Donald Trump, and I don't really have anything against him, but the popularity of his show is driving me batty. A large part of my job involves meeting new people, often as a sort of landing party for the ship of Hoffmaster. I contact somebody, say, "Hi, so and so, I'm calling from Hoffmaster, Finney and Cordes, and we're interested in discussing your product, service or other." This used to be a painless process. Now, invariably, after I tell the person that I am Hoffmaster's personal assistant, I hear, "Oh, like on The Apprentice?"

Attention, everyone I call in the next several years: I am not a contest winner. I am not a minstrel. For that matter, I'm not Charlie Sheen, either. Is that settled? Great. Now that I'm good and mad, let's talk about charter schools.

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